What have I learnt about effective parenting:
The most important lesson has been that I don’t have to effective at all times. That, it is perfectly ok to not want to see kids at some point in time, it is ok to make mistakes. I have worked on also communicating the same to my kids - that parents are not perfect, that they don’t have all the answers and they are not responsible for meeting all your needs and wants. That we make mistakes and that we also need love and care. Making us parents more humane has helped my kids see us as ordinary, imperfect people. It helps me to be gentle with myself.
I have also realised that no kid enjoys behaving badly. They do so because one or more of their need is not met. They do not know how to vocalise that need/ emotion. I worked with my kids to provide them with a vocabulary to say what they want. Instead of behaving badly, they now come and say that they want a hug or attention. Or, at times, I call them out and tell them that their behaviour is showing jealousy or greed. They may agree with me or not but this makes them self-aware. Now, even if they are behaving badly, they are at most, if not all, times aware of that.
Where have you retained what you have been doing in the past?
I continue to spend a lot of time with myself and have a mental time-table on how I divide my time between myself, husband, parents, family, kids. I have retained this and it has helped me create a balance in myself. I also continue with my spiritual practices of meditation, yoga and encourage my kids to join me. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. But they have learnt to not disturb me when I tell them that I want to be alone for a while. I also respect when my daughter tells me that she wants to be alone in the house or in her room.
Being a stickler for manners and courtesy, I continue to remind them of my value system but I impose less.
Sibling rivalry is very big in my household. Spending individual time, setting some specific routine with each child has been helpful.
Where have you made changes? Advise for other parents.
Being 100% with them with no distraction of TV, phone. Making eye contact, touching them. Playing board games few days of the week as a family with a leader board of winners and losers 😊 Whoever wins get a $10 gift from the previous month’s winner.
I judged my kids in the past. I thought that they were silly and not intellectual enough. As I was sharing this with someone, they pointed out that kids should be silly and I need to stop judging them based on my own value system. That was eye opening. If they are being silly, I act as if I am enjoying as that did not come naturally to me. And over a period of time, I do enjoy some of these moments.
Choosing the battles and imposing less of my value system on them.
Changing the conversation such that they feel that they have made that decision instead of feeling that I am ‘being their boss’.
Quiet time. If one of them is screaming, I remain quite and just sit next to them. I am listening. I am there but I am not reacting. When things simmer down, after a few hours, I revisit the situation and ask how we could have done this differently.
I ask them, on & off, how was mummy today? Sometimes I get a good report card and sometimes not so good. But at least they have vocalised that though.
When they share something from school which is frustrating them. I teach them the language that they can use to help them. For example, one day my daughter said that some one is always boasting and I said you can tell her that you are happy for her that she has all these things. She tried and the other girl lost interest in boasting. Or sometimes. I highlight that the other person may not have a very advantaged background and my kids now come and tell me about whose parents are divorced or if someone is from less well-off family with compassion.
Recently at a PCTC, my son’s form teacher said he was distracted. I asked and he said no. But when I asked the teacher what makes her feel that he is distracted and she talked about specifics, he agreed and knew. Focussing on behaviour and help to mould conversations with other adults when kids are the topic has been helpful.
What has not helped?
I bought books that were about sibling rivalry, positive thinking (both fiction and non-fiction), but the kids figured out what I was trying to do and did not read them.
When I try and preach, they shut their ears.
When I break my own rules around use of technology, they break the rules that I set for them too.
A gratitude journal has been less successful. But they do it on and off.
How have kids responded – there has been improvement in our relationships but to not everyday is a breeze.
